When a light is shined in a dark corner of our mind, we can choose to correct or NOT. If we want to update the misunderstanding of a fact we thought we understood but did not, good. If we decide not to investigate further, understanding will go unanswered, and a division is created. Still, we can't "unsee" the flicker of light that made us question that thought, if only for a second. It nags.
I have revisited the questions in my mind many times until I
decided to look closer and remove my confusing thoughts one thought at a time. If
questions involve someone I love, we talk until we resolve our differences.
What I learned; confusion in our minds causes stagnation, and we will not move,
physically or mentally, until we see a clear path. We wisely decide NOT to move
until we are ready to make a move in the right direction.
Exploring the corners of my mind is the most frightening
voyage I ever began, for there, I found my true self, and there I found fears I
did not know I had. To rid myself of these fears, I had to change. I was scared,
at first, I did not want to change. The unfamiliar scared me. I was ashamed to
let anyone know I was not perfect. I had to appear in control of myself even
when I knew inside I was faking control of my life. I wanted to change without
others knowing my struggles. I did not want to let another person see my
weaknesses. My appearance of perfection was more important. I did not want to
let another person help me. Anyway, another person may help me by giving advice,
but only I could CHANGE myself. The first step is to shine a light to see the
need to change, the second step wanting to change. Life experiences will shine a
light whether we like it or not.
This voyage has been one I chose to take decades ago because
I wanted to get free of automatic
negative opinions about everything that led me to anxiety and depression. If
I felt guilty or ashamed when I did nothing, I had to dive deep to discover why
I felt this way. When bad things happened, I had to figure out what part did I
play in this? Maybe I played no role in it, and perhaps I created the entire
story. I wanted to become confident that I could see the truth. I tried to calm
my mind and learn to enjoy my life. It was challenging to change.
I had much to be thankful for but found I had a blockage and could not feel grateful. I
used to pick things apart to find a complaint. Today I am free of automatic negative
thinking, depression, and continual anxiety. It was a choice, and I will always
discipline my mind to remain free of both. It is a formula I discovered that
worked to free me from stress. I choose to practice this every day. It takes
conscious effort, brings change, and is hard at times, but I choose to make an
effort every day because it feels great to have clarity of mind with a positive
attitude. I am so grateful to have come this far and look forward to the
future with positive expectations. The best is yet to be, I may not know the
future, but the world is full of so many good people it is sure to be brighter.
We can choose not to change. Everything is a choice, and
choices have consequences. People that add to my good life are welcomed. People
that use me, I don't have the time or space in my life anymore. It
has taken a long time for me to learn to enforce healthy boundaries that allow
positive influences in my circle of trust as friends. Now I know there is "no
perfect normal life," I can thankfully get on with the one I was born to
live.
Thankful for everyone that loved me enough to help me get
here. Now may I be a light to love others.
