It took me decades to uncover
self-love and self-respect. The powerful attitudes of winning in life were
buried deep inside me beneath hurt and betrayal. We are born winners with
innate selfless, kind abilities that can be nurtured or destroyed by the adults
and attitudes surrounding us in our childhood. Many of us know this by
experience, yet we choose to forgive and love others anyway. People are
resilient like that, and it is a wonderful phenomenon that saves the world.
The foundational years (birth to
ten years old) lay a blueprint for our lives and are best taught by the two
biological parents that "chose" to have you. Children love their
natural parents, be they good or bad examples. This deep-rooted genuine love
from a child to a parent is a gift to the parents whether the parent earns it
or not.
The definition of
"Love" was taught there in childhood to each of us. In
dysfunctional families, we learned faulty definitions of love.
As children, we must now learn
healthy definitions of love in adulthood through trial and error to correct our
faulty assumptions. The world does not protect us from suffering. We have to do
that for ourselves. To trust anyone when you are naive is dangerous. To trust
others once you are wise is to be ready to take on the adult world because you
know no matter what comes, you will land on your feet.
One has to live about three
decades (Thirtyish) to develop your independence emotionally and financially to
become "wise enough" to navigate the dating world.
Many older women and men have learned
the hard way and now advise: DO NOT get intimate, have a child, or get married
when you are in your teens or early twenties. These years are transitional
years to find yourself. Most divorces and regrets can be avoided if you first grow
up emotionally, finish school, find your career, save money, and travel before settling
down with one person, including a child. Get good at being content "alone"
and providing for yourself. (I could have used these guidelines before dating, now I give these to you to protect your heart. You can't hurry true love.)
In my travels, I have learned a thing
or two that will help you NOT get caught in traps with people that will make
false promises and toss you to the side. Here are some actions you can observe
BEFORE you get involved with anyone to set personal boundaries to protect your
mind, body, and heart. There is more to this wonderful life than getting married or becoming a parent. Both marriage and parenthood need to be entered into after much responsible contemplation, not a result of an unplanned pregnancy or the "expected" thing to do.
February is the month of LOVE, so
I decided to share a more precise definition of what I have come to believe is
genuine love in action. Someone that will hurt or betray you does NOT love you.
Learn to recognize these obvious traits of deception BEFORE you become involved
with anyone and save yourself a lifetime of heartache. "Genuine Love"
has apparent characteristics that can
be observed too.
Please slow down, look closely at
her/his actions, listen to the words to determine the motives of the person you
are dating. If you are not ready to settle down with your ONE and ONLY, you
will not recognize true love when it arrives. True love is not found in the
fast lane while growing up.
When you know you are valuable, you
will set boundaries of self-respect that will guide you through many dud dates
to find one true love that will last your lifetime.
Hint: Marrying your
"platonic" best friend can be the best decision you'll ever make. If
you are best friends BEFORE you move in together, this friendship will be more
sustainable while you both pursue your dreams. TOGETHER it is easier to survive
the storms of life that will undoubtedly come with a best friend by your side.
Let love come to you; no need to chase it.
Here are a few characteristics to
look for in a best friend/mate. We do not claim to know everything but this
list will help some of you, I'm sure.
Love is NOT…
Love is NOT manipulative,
Love is NOT controlling,
Love is NOT gaslighting
(Presenting a false narrative to confuse and control you)
Love is NOT cheating,
Love is NOT lying,
Love is NOT stealing,
Love is NOT competitive,
Love is NOT verbal degradation,
Love is NOT threatening abuse,
Love is NOT physical abuse,
Love is NOT neglectful,
Love is NOT co-dependent on
another,
Love is NOT USING anyone for
selfish purposes,
Love IS…
Love IS LISTENING to understand
and give validation to the other person's opinion,
Love IS SUPPORTING a different
opinion you did not originate,
Love IS OPENLY discussing
disagreements if need be; agreeing to disagree,
Love IS AN OPEN HEART to accept
differences,
Love IS GIVING ATTENTION to the
one loved,
Love IS BEING PRESENT physically
and emotionally when needed,
Love IS ACCEPTING our
differences,
Love IS CELEBRATING your love's
success,
Love IS BEING SILENT at times,
Love IS SUPPORTIVE OF YOUR MATE'S
DREAMS,
Love IS GIVING ADVICE IF ASKED,
Love IS INDEPENDENT,
Love IS TAKING CARE OF YOUR
CHILDREN FIRST,
Love IS SETTING
"PERSONAL" BOUNDARIES to give respect and receive respect.
It starts with two people ready to
be devoted to ONE another to experience unity, preferring to be faithful in
every way. Equals, each has self-love and self-respect BEFORE becoming engaged.
In our relationship (44 years and counting) we embrace diversity. We respect
differences. We welcome calm, factual debates of exploring our thoughts
together. Often we agree to disagree but never on the basics of being kind and
compassionate morally. To learn to trust life without constant suffering is to
discover the joy of being an adult and thinking for yourself and then living
without being a victim.
If the world is a friendly place, it must start inside me. Thinking for myself and setting boundaries to choose wisely is mandatory. Thankful to have made it this far and share some wisdom with you freely.
When "LOVE is APPARENT," a lifetime is a joy to share with your true love.
"Your life is a gift to the
world." ~MJN
BTW: My husband helped me make this list for you.
