Love Apparent

It took me decades to uncover self-love and self-respect. The powerful attitudes of winning in life were buried deep inside me beneath hurt and betrayal. We are born winners with innate selfless, kind abilities that can be nurtured or destroyed by the adults and attitudes surrounding us in our childhood. Many of us know this by experience, yet we choose to forgive and love others anyway. People are resilient like that, and it is a wonderful phenomenon that saves the world.

The foundational years (birth to ten years old) lay a blueprint for our lives and are best taught by the two biological parents that "chose" to have you. Children love their natural parents, be they good or bad examples. This deep-rooted genuine love from a child to a parent is a gift to the parents whether the parent earns it or not.

The definition of "Love" was taught there in childhood to each of us. In dysfunctional families, we learned faulty definitions of love. 

As children, we must now learn healthy definitions of love in adulthood through trial and error to correct our faulty assumptions. The world does not protect us from suffering. We have to do that for ourselves. To trust anyone when you are naive is dangerous. To trust others once you are wise is to be ready to take on the adult world because you know no matter what comes, you will land on your feet. 

One has to live about three decades (Thirtyish) to develop your independence emotionally and financially to become "wise enough" to navigate the dating world.

Many older women and men have learned the hard way and now advise: DO NOT get intimate, have a child, or get married when you are in your teens or early twenties. These years are transitional years to find yourself. Most divorces and regrets can be avoided if you first grow up emotionally, finish school, find your career, save money, and travel before settling down with one person, including a child. Get good at being content "alone" and providing for yourself. (I could have used these guidelines before dating, now I give these to you to protect your heart. You can't hurry true love.)

In my travels, I have learned a thing or two that will help you NOT get caught in traps with people that will make false promises and toss you to the side. Here are some actions you can observe BEFORE you get involved with anyone to set personal boundaries to protect your mind, body, and heart. There is more to this wonderful life than getting married or becoming a parent. Both marriage and parenthood need to be entered into after much responsible contemplation, not a result of an unplanned pregnancy or the "expected" thing to do.

February is the month of LOVE, so I decided to share a more precise definition of what I have come to believe is genuine love in action. Someone that will hurt or betray you does NOT love you. Learn to recognize these obvious traits of deception BEFORE you become involved with anyone and save yourself a lifetime of heartache. "Genuine Love" has apparent characteristics that can be observed too. 

Please slow down, look closely at her/his actions, listen to the words to determine the motives of the person you are dating. If you are not ready to settle down with your ONE and ONLY, you will not recognize true love when it arrives. True love is not found in the fast lane while growing up.

When you know you are valuable, you will set boundaries of self-respect that will guide you through many dud dates to find one true love that will last your lifetime.

Hint: Marrying your "platonic" best friend can be the best decision you'll ever make. If you are best friends BEFORE you move in together, this friendship will be more sustainable while you both pursue your dreams. TOGETHER it is easier to survive the storms of life that will undoubtedly come with a best friend by your side. Let love come to you; no need to chase it.

Here are a few characteristics to look for in a best friend/mate. We do not claim to know everything but this list will help some of you, I'm sure.

Love is NOT…

Love is NOT manipulative,

Love is NOT controlling,

Love is NOT gaslighting (Presenting a false narrative to confuse and control you)

Love is NOT cheating,

Love is NOT lying,

Love is NOT stealing,

Love is NOT competitive,

Love is NOT verbal degradation,

Love is NOT threatening abuse,

Love is NOT physical abuse,

Love is NOT neglectful,

Love is NOT co-dependent on another,

Love is NOT USING anyone for selfish purposes,

Love IS…

Love IS LISTENING to understand and give validation to the other person's opinion,

Love IS SUPPORTING a different opinion you did not originate,

Love IS OPENLY discussing disagreements if need be; agreeing to disagree,

Love IS AN OPEN HEART to accept differences,

Love IS GIVING ATTENTION to the one loved,

Love IS BEING PRESENT physically and emotionally when needed,

Love IS ACCEPTING our differences,

Love IS CELEBRATING your love's success,

Love IS BEING SILENT at times,

Love IS SUPPORTIVE OF YOUR MATE'S DREAMS,

Love IS GIVING ADVICE IF ASKED,

Love IS INDEPENDENT,

Love IS TAKING CARE OF YOUR CHILDREN FIRST,

Love IS SETTING "PERSONAL" BOUNDARIES to give respect and receive respect.

It starts with two people ready to be devoted to ONE another to experience unity, preferring to be faithful in every way. Equals, each has self-love and self-respect BEFORE becoming engaged. In our relationship (44 years and counting) we embrace diversity. We respect differences. We welcome calm, factual debates of exploring our thoughts together. Often we agree to disagree but never on the basics of being kind and compassionate morally. To learn to trust life without constant suffering is to discover the joy of being an adult and thinking for yourself and then living without being a victim.

If the world is a friendly place, it must start inside me. Thinking for myself and setting boundaries to choose wisely is mandatory. Thankful to have made it this far and share some wisdom with you freely. 

When "LOVE is APPARENT," a lifetime is a joy to share with your true love.

"Your life is a gift to the world." ~MJN

BTW: My husband helped me make this list for you.