In our house we have a father, my husband, who has a birthday near Father's Day. He was born on June 15 and Father's Day is always around that date so we need two parties, two special meals, two sets of presents. And he really likes parties celebrating "him." The deal is now we have kids that live far away so the special meals have to planned by me, prepared by me, and delivered by me, both days.
Why do I do it? Because he really, really, really, likes two parties for him and if I don't do this there is no one around here to do it for him, and I love him.
So his birthday was Saturday this year and Father's Day was Sunday. He always gets so excited celebrating my birthday and has so much fun planning my special day, preparing my special meal, and getting me things he thinks I need or want, God bless him for this, he is sweet. Yet, on Father's Day I do this party for him because he really, really, really, likes a party anytime.
I wanted a relaxing weekend and if you know me I am NOT a last minute "Ike" so I got busy. . His birthday presents were ordered weeks ago and delivered right on time.
Friday food shopping was done by me for the entire weekend including both parties, both main dishes, side dishes and breakfasts, so we can a have a relaxing but fun weekend celebrating at home. Yes, I offered to go somewhere and do something with him, but he did not want to go anywhere. Truth be known I had invited some people to give him a party but had to apologize and uninvite them because he wanted to be home alone. He said, for his birthday he wanted to give to others by finishing projects he had promised. Ok, great gifts from him, finishing projects for others, a loving thing to do.
Checking off the lists: the antique "plantation desk" desk we gave our son for Christmas, finished that renovation, good. Check. He made an aluminum piece for his son's bike that broke and could not easily be replaced. (Son has hand built a specialty bike, a "Wilier" bike.) He completed that, good. Check. He wanted to work on my art studio that was promised to be finished last February so, "Good!" I like that idea. Can't check that yet... but he is working on it.
No guests, no outside trips to anywhere, home to relax and finish stuff. I'm in, plus I need to continue writing to finish my first book. Dress in lounge clothes and stay home all weekend, sounds wonderful!
The birthday gifts arrived Friday from Amazon, the home-made cake special order from a friend was delivered Saturday morning, all set. Banner made for birthday by youngest son, perfect! Saturday he got up and fixed his own oatmeal before I could get downstairs to let him know I was making a special breakfast, so missed that opportunity but thought,
OK I'll fix his breakfast Sunday. Saturday went well he liked all his presents, the meal, the decoration, the cake was perfect. Good day there. Pictures, the missing kids were on the cell phone and fortunately one was actually here... Yay! Good day.
So I wake up before him on purpose Sunday, Father's Day, and ask him to stay in bed so I can fix him a really nice breakfast in the kitchen, and will call him when its ready. I had Canadian bacon, grits, scrambled eggs with vegetables, rye toast on my menu to make. I had everything already in the kitchen and looked forward to staying home all day catching up on writing before the dinner tonight.
I imagined him to say, "Great! I'd love to stay in bed a little longer and then get up to a nice breakfast made by my sweet wife. Thank you!"
No. Instead he said as if ordering at a diner, "I'd like pancakes, but we don't have any Bisquick."
I said, "But you can't make pancakes with almond milk can you? All we have is almond milk,"
He says, "Well I use 1/3 light cream, (we have that in frig for his coffee) and the rest water, it will taste great."
I say, "If we don't have Bisquick I'll have to run out to buy that."
He says, "Don't bother whatever you have is alright."
Really? That's what you want? But I had other plans... I think.
This is NOT my idea of having a special celebration "his" way, I may not want to go but I do. Not out of obligation, not out of guilt, but because I love him. So I run out and buy Bisquick and 1% milk for his pancakes. So much for my planning ahead for a relaxing at home all weekend for us. When I returned home, I made the pancakes, not very well, I don't like pancakes and do not have much practice in making them so they turned out edible but not pretty. He made all pancakes for the kids when they were growing up, he entertained them by making the pancakes in the shape of turtles like his Dad did for him. Kids loved pancake breakfasts with their Dad. Today, mine looked terrible, almost burnt but edible.
He said, "You did not have to do this, you did not have to go out. You could have said 'no' and tell me you have something else planned and that would have been alright." As always he ate them and gave me a compliment on the taste, he would never complain.
Then I told him, "How can I not do this for you, when you go out of your way in every way to give me and the children the things we want for our celebration meals? How can I do less for you than what you would do for us? That is not right, you deserve things your way too."
And this is where I reminded him of something I told him about our own children, "Remember when I use to say to you "We have ONE chance to get this right because the children have ONE childhood, and the things we do today will have an effect on them for the rest of their lives. I want us to be a good memory for them, I want them to say, Mom and Dad surely loved us and did their best, they gave us everything to help us be happy and successful. Remember that?"
He said "Yes I remember you saying that from time to time."
So likewise I say to him, "You require so little of me, Sweetheart, I have ONE chance to give to you this pancake breakfast this day. I love you, I would not give you less than you would give me."
And that is why even if I did not plan for pancakes, even if I'm tired, even if I want things "my way," even if I don't feel like it, even if I don't want to go out, when I love someone, I go the extra mile, I put my tired feelings aside and do one more thing to make their day bright, and do one more thing to make that day a fun memory for them if I can. I make that phone call, I visit that sick friend, I show up in the lives of the people I love, even if I don't FEEL like it, I mail a card, I write a letter, I make a phone call, I go buy Bisquick and milk, I show I love them by doing something for them when they want it, and sometimes when they don't require it. I don't do it because it is convenient for me, I do it because I love. I love when people do the same for me, many do.
Too many self-centered feelings about myself or too much empathy for the world, opposites that seem justified on the surface, can make anyone sick or hysterical. Neither are healthy or productive for anyone concerned. A calmer "controlled emotional mind" accomplishes much more and finds resolutions that are beneficial for all concerned when you focus first at home.
Life is short and the truth is, in a hundred years from now no one will know your name or care you lived except your loved ones or your children and their children. And if they do remember you, will it be a good memory? We have one chance to support and give to our own children we have chosen to to have and ONE chance to make a Sweetheart feel loved and important now. I think of others and love it, I would not hurt anyone's feelings on purpose, so I must think before I speak. This is my daily practice, to respond not react, it takes practice, practice, practice. I'm getting better at this as time goes on. I have my opinions and will hold fast to it but I do not need to "fight" with anyone over it.
Thankful to have good, good, people in our lives and at the front of ours are our own three kids and their significant others. Above and beyond our expectations we have a few close friends as dear to us as our kids, we are lucky. We have found open minded people with open hearts.
I no longer make long term commitments for those that do not reciprocate the same towards me. I love them from afar. We all deserve the best of whatever is available at all times, even to have kind people in your life but you must claim it. Loving yourself unselfishly first is key, start there, take the best care of you first, the rest will come easily after that. Unselfish self-love, what is that? 😉 You will find out when you live it. Boundaries, set these to have kind people that give to you equally in your close circle of friends, this is self-love.
Beautifully said
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