The Greatest Gift You Give Another is Your Attention

It does not take money to give someone your time, your attention, your help, or kindness.  First, you have to want to give your attention to another to do any of these.  Are you or the person you are speaking with constantly thinking about what you are going to say next instead of truly listening to the other person?  Are you or the other person thinking you are bored with the conversation because it does not interest you or further your cause so you have to cut them off and leave, you have other things to do that need your attention NOW? Then you know you are not interested in giving your attention to them, or the other is not interested in you. This is normal and to be expected in daily encounters with people you meet in life, there is not enough time to know everyone intimately, but it is NOT acceptable when you truly love someone.

If you want to have a personal loving connection that can last a lifetime you have to take time to listen with care to know what interest another, not just you, it takes time, it takes hours, it takes years of giving your attention to the other, to listen to his/her point of view to know him or her before you make snap judgments that can be oh so wrong. In our marriage, I have done this at times and he has done this too because we were in a hurry or simply wanted to be right so we would not listen to the other. When you do listen with undivided attention and no preconceived ideas, you meet someone in the middle to have a deeply connected relationship.

The amount of time this takes is best reserved for ONE significant other and your own children first.  There is not enough time in anyone's life for this close connection to be made with everyone in the world you meet and work with. If you try to take care of everyone else, someone close to you will suffer. Focus on you, your mate, your own children, and close family members that support you, that is more than enough to get right. We cannot save the world and it is not our responsibility to do so.

I heard a one-liner from a teacher I admire, "I never go anywhere I'm not invited."  When invited you know someone wants to give you their attention and hear your opinion. My opinion and your opinion is not welcomed or needed everywhere so it is best to hold our tongue until invited to speak. You are the winner of your decisions, choose positive, kind, words and actions.

If you do choose to give someone your undivided attention, that is a great gift; and if someone chooses to give you their undivided attention without any expectation but to listen to you, that is a true friend. Making time for one another to be together and talk is a great gift. The joy of sharing these connected relationships can bring a lifetime of laughter and good memories that last forever. Thankful to have a few of these in my life now. Pay attention to enjoy a more fulfilling life! If you want a close friend, pay attention.  If you want a relationship to last forever pay very close attention to hear the words of their heart and be thankful for the people in your life that love you.

"Deeds not words," who shows up for you every time you are down? That is a true friend. That is love.

"No Time Like NOW!"

The year was 2020, and she meant to take the plunge for decades but this year there was no reason not to. No more little people to take care of at the house, all the children were grown. No more tasks that had to be completed for her business, no sleep to be caught up on after a week of working overtime, no groceries to be bought and prepared for the meals ahead for herself or the family; her time was her own and she LOVED it! She said to herself, “Why Not?”

As she announced to her significant other,” I’m taking the plunge!” I don’t have a reason not to; a new century rarely happens in a lifetime, I’m going for it!

He said, “Then I’m coming with you.” 

Me. “You don’t need to. I’ll be fine but I’m going.”

Once there, I registered and my sweetheart and I went to breakfast at our favorite Lake George café, we had discovered it the time we went up there “Glamping” on our anniversary. The breakfast was delicious and it was a time to reflect on our busy holiday with children gathered round.  After breakfast, we leisurely headed to the icy waters. When the word was given, I plunged!  It was refreshing, and it was cool but not as cold as I had hoped. Thirty-seven degrees was not too cold for a quick in and out if you are as hot-natured as me year-round.

The day was perfect. My Sweetheart was waiting on shore with a camera, towel, and robe, another check off the bucket list. We decided to drive outside the village to escape the crowds, we found a drive-through window at a nearby Starbucks and we each bought a specialty java and croissant for the ride home.  The ride home was full of laughter and thankfulness to be alive. We are enjoying a simple life doing simple things with my Sweetheart. There is no time like now and there will never be another January first, 2020.  Thankful to live here and now.

 

A Beautiful Story Of Changing the World

While visiting a young couple that has a ten year old son I asked about his work and what the father was doing to pursue his dream of getting back into the animation field, his first love of work. He said he had no time for his personal pursuit as he was raising his son now and providing income for the house and the upkeep of it with employment. Once he worked his salaried job 12-14 hours seven days a week sometimes what little time he had left was spent with teaching and playing with his son and being with his wife. He actually takes breaks during his shift to come home and have lunch with his wife and his son. They both work but tag team parent to be with their child always. No day care for their precious child. They understand they get ONE chance to raise this child, no do overs.

I told him I noticed he and his wife always scheduled work time around their son.  He said, "Yes, our son's care by us is the priority."

He told me this story, and said, "Stop me if you have heard it."

There was a father who was reading a newspaper and his son came to him and asked him to play but he was busy.  His father saw a world map in the newspaper and cut it out. Then he tore the map into individual pieces and gave it to his son. He told his son, "Go glue this map of the world back together and get no help from your mother. When you have finished bring the completed map to me, and we will play." The father thought this task would keep his son busy for an hour or more.

His son went to work immediately and brought the map back in a few minutes. His father said,"What is this? You did this map that fast? I told you not to get help from your mother, how did you do this?"

His son said,"Turn the map over Dad."

On the back of the map was a human face and it was easy to put the world map together with a human face on the back of it.

The moral of the story is, "How do you put the world back together?"
Answer, "One person at a time."

Spend time with your children today, answer their questions, play with them at home, and save the world of tomorrow. Work around their schedule of interests not your interest only. The children will be grown and gone from your house sooner than you know. Their interest while they are growing up is time with you, the parents. They need a father and a mother. They need you.

Happy New Year! 

Eleven Lovely Things for Thanksgiving

1)  Seeing the first snowflake in October in upstate New York knowing skiing, snowmobiling, and ice skating is on the way.

2) Watching squirrels twirl and dance as they circle upward on trees to store nuts for the winter.

3) Enjoy the sighting of a lone white birch tree in the midst of the silhouette of dark pine trees against the winter sky.

4) Hearing the sound of a distant train across the river at night and being amazed that we can hear the sound of the whistle so clearly far away.

5) Calculating the position of the sunrise and sunset as each season comes and goes.

6) Listening to the comforting, soft, low, owl's call, "hoo, hoo, hoo" in the spring at night.

7) Determining each type of bird call from the treetops as they communicate with one another in the spring.

8)  Hearing the first insect peepers and katydids change their tune depending on warm or cold temperatures letting us know the weather.

9) Becoming excited when darkest falls midday while in the West we see a wall of black clouds form to let us know a storm is coming.

10)  Sitting by an open door or window after the cat runs for safety, hiding in the basement, being in awe of the lightening and cracks of thunder as we wait for the next roar and crash.

11) I love having a Sweetheart of a husband that makes this list for me this year and supports my writing a book without fear of what I may write, that's a true friend.

Happy Thanksgiving, what eleven unusual things are you grateful for this year?

With Age YOU Get Wiser Because You Learn Patience with Boundaries

When I was a child everyone was in a hurry. Hurry up and get dressed, hurry up and get in the car we have to go somewhere, let me dress you, I'm in a hurry, you're taking too long, get out of my way let me do that, you are too slow, hurry up and go outside get out from under my feet, I have work to do and so I learned as a child I was not fast enough, I was in the way.  Being sent outside often with no choice, I became fascinated watching insects, snakes, squirrels and birds. I watched these creatures live as they built their homes and gathered their food with no stress it seemed.  Nature was so comforting to observe to this stressed little girl. I fell in love with life outside the house, it was peaceful there.

Years go by and I did not learn how to do much of anything by myself because I had no patient teacher.  I became a co-dependent because I was conditioned through lack of patient 'hands on' teachers to give me time to learn by doing it myself. Of course it would be slowly at first to learn, because I was a baby.  Fast meant I could not do anything for myself.  A child needs time to learn a thing the first time. I learned nothing in childhood that would serve me in the adult world except strict self denial of joy and I became very afraid of the world.

By the age of 12 I had an arsenal of failures to think about because I was constantly scolded for not doing anything fast and what I did was never right and had to be redone. The message I was taught "I was not good enough." I could not pass the test of impatient adults.  I was stressed, I began to have stomachaches, bite my nails into the quick until they bled, have migraines from early childhood.  The pain of this stress made me jump ship by age fourteen and I almost drowned in the ocean of self -doubt and while floundering to tread water in a world I was NOT prepared to live, but I discovered 'I was enough!'

The greatest surprise? I loved being in world where I could make mistakes and fix these myself. There was no one out here scolding me, telling me I could not make right decisions. The world was not as scary as I had been taught.  Swimming around in this ocean was great freedom and I fell in love with the peace of living free of negative self-talk.

Now I would need to reinvent me, decide for the first time what I wanted to become and how to get there.  I was free. Now there is no one to blame and no reason  to be stressed as long as I knew i had my back and I did.  No one was coming to rescue me, I learned that at 10 years old.  That's ok, I'm happy and I can figure this life out. I slowed down. I enjoyed nature. I sat in the sunshine and thought of nothing but the warm feeling on my skin.  I did not know it at the time but I was learning how to meditate and be patient with me.

It would be years before the migraines subsided, it would be years before I learned to make good decisions one after another but I learned.  It would take me years to uncover the real me, what I liked and did not like, and then set healthy boundaries to not get caught in another web of lies. Lies that were told me about me, I could change my life by changing my self talk. No one would influence my mind with negative self-talk about me, not even me.

To do this I had to SLOW DOWN. Get off the phone, turn off the TV, stop needing to be an rush to exercise, eat, go without sleep to keep moving fast and do the next scheduled event.  When the mental fast pace of stress was relieved I was able to accomplish more in less time and take care of me.  My advice to you now, take care of you, slow down, focus on self care, eat without an iphone on to entertain you, sleep without a TV on, exercise with time to enjoy the scenery, do not listen to sports reports while running for exercise, let your mind spend time doing daily tasks without thinking about anything but the present moment. Let your precious mind rest from the pressures of the world.

You and I are not here long on earth, let's enjoy what we have for a little while or we will miss it. The pure child like joy of being here. I will give you my code word to use next time you are getting anxious, say, "Adagios" and slow down. All is well and all will be well. Take a deep breath, say thank you for your life.  If you live to be old, you will learn this because you have to slow down to find your reading glasses again and again to read directions and not become angry for growing older. If you can learn this now while you are young, you will live a much happier life while you are young. Adagios.

Are You Comfortable with Yourself Enough to say, "I don't know?"

If we live a thousand times a thousand years and studied a million times a million subjects we can never know it all.  However many of us will fight to the death in a relationship to be "RIGHT" in an argument without facts.  Facts change everything from a personal fight to an uninformed opinion not worth fighting over, but we have to have the last word. I was guilty of this until I learned I did not have to appear perfect anymore. I know my boundaries but I'm open to learn of your boundaries.  Then we can make valid decisions that work for us both.

It was a brand new day and a weight lifted off my shoulders when I knew "I was enough" and  decided I don't have to prove myself everyday to everyone by seeming to know something about every subject.  Even if I know a lot, I can always learn more no matter how much I think I know.  Truth be known there is much I cannot comment on and I find it relaxing to admit, I don't know."

Who is an expert on any subject?  Who do I trust to speak authoritatively on the subject? Now that is different. What have you studied for more than twenty years?  Do you need degrees or life experience to be respected by me? I look for results in your life, degrees alone, don't make anyone successful in living a kind and compassionate life.  Living is the greatest teacher.

When I thought about this I realized I have been studying anger, how it originates and how to get rid of it since I was fourteen years old.  I was so consumed by my own anger I wanted to be free of it. No one in my immediate circle of family and friends were interested in the study of anger so I became a pioneer of this study for me.

My other interest has been what makes men and women tick to have a smooth relationship and what causes division between the two?  Both worthy endeavors have made my life easier. Today I may have a few insights into both but one thing I know I am no longer interested in being closely associated with angry self centered people that know it all. My future circle of friends will always include open heart people that engage in open conversations that welcome new ideas with positive attitudes to support others, not destroy people for being or thinking differently.


Men and women together, living in harmony, can be if we learn to listen to one another with open minds and open hearts and stop trying to control everything and everyone around us. To learn to control ourselves is the first step, anyone that can control self to respond with patient understanding to listen instead of reacting with judgemental controlling fear will bring peace sooner.

To say, "I don't know" is such a relaxing phrase and gives life permission to teach me what I don't know.  Thankful to be a student of life for the rest of mine. Perfectly content with imperfect me.
 

Eleanor's Way

Anyone that knows me well knows  I have read many books written about Eleanor Roosevelt and my favorite is authored by her eldest son, Elliot Roosevelt titled Mother R.  After all the books I have read, this one brought me full circle of her life and her thoughts about the life she lived now that she was old and many of the family were dead.

She knew her life was important and she had work to do for others.  Her acute awareness of the position she had as first lady with personal wealth, motivated her to do as much with her life as possible. People took advantage of her, family betrayed her, still she soldiered on with an olive branch in her hand. 

Her home in Hyde Park, NY., named 'Val-Kill' I have visited many times. The parking lot outside her cottage is a quiet place to have lunch, afterwards I would walk the 3 mile trail up to 'Top Cottage,' a place FDR had built to have alone time.

Walking in her footsteps thinking of her life and what she might think as she walked there, family problems, relationship problems, and later in life money problems, yet she sojourned on, with the knowledge she could manage any curve balls life threw at her and she did manage right up to the end.  I have silent reverence for her because of her ability to look at the mistakes she made with her own life and children and think if she had things to do over...  Still we can't go back but we can have regrets without judgments, facts not judgments.

We can learn from her mistakes, this is why I state over and over to parents to stay with you children, teach them to have fun being little before thy take on the problems of an adult world, those adult worries will be there forever after they are placed on those little shoulders.  Best to play as long as possible before those adult problems are your childish burdens.

Our son knew I liked nature trails and years ago made a nature trail in the back of our house into the woods for exercise and enjoyment.  Now that I am older, I walk that trail often and think of Eleanor and our son, both have huge hearts to give to others, and I 'm thankful.

I'm thinking of naming the trail "Eleanor's Way."

Back to writing my book, I plan to have it to the publishers this month, we'll see.  So if I don't write the blog as often as I'd like you know why. This book ain't going to write itself... back to editing... Thank you Eleanor and Steve. I love you.