Frigid Parents, Unkind Words, No Praise, Lethal to a Child's Self-Love

Can you handle it? How to get over this?

Elton John has a movie out now, "Rocketman."

The man is so talented I remember him well in my teenage years. The movie I thought I was going to see was about his creating his songs and it was except how he created these I did not expect.

He is a sensitive, loving, man and as a child his talent for the piano was his ticket into a scholarship in the Royal Academy of Music.  He did outstandingly well at the academy but he loved rock and roll.  He chose a stage name, "Elton John." The "John" was after "John" of the band "The Beatles."

Time after time he was wild and abusive in the men he chose in relationships and with himself. Alcohol, drugs, sex addiction, he tried every drug known to mankind he revealed in the movie and that talent! He still performed with all these vices nipping at his heels. He tried suicide. Thank goodness he did not succeed.

Many great talents are so incredibly talented they perform under the most adverse situations that it amazes me they can go onstage with so much emotional hurt but many do. 

My surprise, I cried through the majority of this movie every time I saw his frigid mother and father neglect this little boy, his feelings dismissed so blatantly and often without showing one ounce of compassion to him. Time and time again after his success he went back to see them hoping they would be proud of him and they just could not give him one word of praise.  No words.

If not for his Grandmother, I doubt he would have made it to the stage, she told him to take this scholarship and make something of himself out of this chance. He listened and he did.

His parents divorced, and his mother and father were cruel to him throughout his life. Just one word, is all he wanted, "word of any love from them expressed to him."  Frigid parents teach children they are not"enough" to be loved. In time he made peace with his parents, peace with his past, found peace within and is so doing became sober, drug-free, and found a wonderful mate.

EJ is drug free now 28 years and found a kind partner for 25 years. Forgiveness was the key even when the ones that need it most never ask it of you, you must find a way to forgive so YOU can move on.

Not the movie I thought I was going to see, better. Respect this guy even more for the beautiful human he is inside. He is now taking time off from touring to raise his children.
Take lots of tissues.

Thankful this generation is gentler and kinder, the world has a chance to heal with people like these.

  

Really? That's What You Want On Father's Day Weekend? But I had Other Plans...

In our family we have a unique celebration combo. You've heard of the kid that is born the week before Christmas or the week after that feels gipped when she gets ONE present for both. The selfish little critter... wink, wink.

In our house we have a father, my husband, who has a birthday near Father's Day. He was born on June 15 and Father's Day is always around that date so we need two parties, two special meals, two sets of presents. And he really likes parties celebrating "him."  The deal is now we have kids that live far away so the special meals have to planned by me, prepared by me, and delivered by me, both days.

Why do I do it? Because he really, really, really, likes two parties for him and if I don't do this there is no one around here to do it for him, and I love him.

So his birthday was Saturday this year and Father's Day was Sunday.  He always gets so excited celebrating my birthday and has so much fun planning my special day, preparing my special meal, and getting me things he thinks I need or want, God bless him for this, he is sweet. Yet, on Father's Day I do this party for him because he really, really, really, likes a party anytime. 

I wanted a relaxing weekend and if you know me I am NOT a last minute "Ike" so I got busy. . His birthday presents were ordered weeks ago and delivered right on time.

Friday food shopping was done by me for the entire weekend including both parties, both main dishes, side dishes and breakfasts, so we can a have a relaxing but fun weekend celebrating at home. Yes, I offered to go somewhere and do something with him, but he did not want to go anywhere. Truth be known I had invited some people to give him a party but had to apologize and uninvite them because he wanted to be home alone. He said, for his birthday he wanted to give to others by finishing projects he had promised. Ok, great gifts from him, finishing projects for others, a loving thing to do.

Checking off the lists: the antique "plantation desk" desk we gave our son for Christmas, finished that renovation, good. Check. He made an aluminum piece for his son's bike that broke and could not easily be replaced. (Son has hand built a specialty bike, a "Wilier" bike.) He completed that, good. Check. He  wanted to work on my art studio that was promised to be finished last February so, "Good!" I like that idea. Can't check that yet... but he is working on it.

No guests, no outside trips to anywhere, home to relax and finish stuff.  I'm in, plus I need to continue writing to finish my first book. Dress in lounge clothes and stay home all weekend, sounds wonderful!

The birthday gifts arrived Friday from Amazon, the home-made cake special order from a friend was delivered Saturday morning, all set. Banner made for birthday by youngest son, perfect! Saturday he got up and fixed his own oatmeal before I could get downstairs to let him know I was making a special breakfast, so missed that opportunity but thought,

OK I'll fix his breakfast Sunday.  Saturday went well he liked all his presents, the meal, the decoration, the cake was perfect. Good day there. Pictures, the missing kids were on the cell phone and fortunately one was actually here... Yay! Good day.

So I wake up before him on purpose Sunday, Father's Day, and ask him to stay in bed so I can fix him a really nice breakfast in the kitchen, and will call him when its ready.  I had Canadian bacon, grits, scrambled eggs with vegetables, rye toast on my menu to make.  I had everything already in the kitchen and looked forward to staying home all day catching up on writing before the dinner tonight.

I imagined him to say, "Great! I'd love to stay in bed a little longer and then get up to a nice breakfast made by my sweet wife. Thank you!"

No. Instead he said as if ordering at a diner, "I'd like pancakes, but we don't have any Bisquick."

I said, "But you can't make pancakes with almond milk can you? All we have is almond milk,"

He says, "Well I use 1/3 light cream, (we have that in frig for his coffee) and the rest water, it will taste great."

I say, "If we don't have Bisquick I'll have to run out to buy that."

He says, "Don't bother whatever you have is alright."

Really? That's what you want? But I had other plans... I think.

This is NOT my idea of having a special celebration "his" way, I may not want to go but I do. Not out of obligation, not out of guilt, but because I love him. So I run out and buy Bisquick and 1% milk for his pancakes.  So much for my planning ahead for a relaxing at home all weekend for us. When I returned home, I made the pancakes, not very well, I don't like pancakes and do not have much practice in making them so they turned out edible but not pretty. He made all pancakes for the kids when they were growing up, he entertained them by making the pancakes in the shape of turtles like his Dad did for him. Kids loved pancake breakfasts with their Dad. Today, mine looked terrible, almost burnt but edible.

He said, "You did not have to do this, you did not have to go out. You could have said 'no' and tell me you have something else planned and that would have been alright."  As always he ate them and gave me a compliment on the taste, he would never complain.

Then I told him, "How can I not do this for you, when you go out of your way in every way to give me and the children the things we want for our celebration meals? How can I do less for you than what you would do for us? That is not right, you deserve things your way too."

And this is where I reminded him of something I told him about our own children, "Remember when I use to say to you "We have ONE chance to get this right because the children have ONE childhood, and the things we do today will have an effect on them for the rest of their lives. I want us to be a good memory for them, I want them to say, Mom and Dad surely loved us and did their best, they gave us everything to help us be happy and successful. Remember that?"

 He said "Yes I remember you saying that from time to time."

So likewise I say to him, "You require so little of me, Sweetheart, I have ONE chance to give to you this pancake breakfast this day. I love you, I would not give you less than you would give me."

And that is why even if I did not plan for pancakes, even if I'm tired, even if I want things "my way,"  even if I don't feel like it, even if I don't want to go out, when I love someone, I go the extra mile, I put my tired feelings aside and do one more thing to make their day bright, and do one more thing to make that day a fun memory for them if I can. I make that phone call, I visit that sick friend, I show up in the lives of the people I love, even if I don't FEEL like it, I mail a card, I write a letter, I make a phone call, I go buy Bisquick and milk, I show I love them by doing something for them when they want it, and sometimes when they don't require it. I don't do it because it is convenient for me, I do it because I love. I love when people do the same for me, many do.

Too many self-centered feelings about myself or too much empathy for the world, opposites that seem justified on the surface, can make anyone sick or hysterical. Neither are healthy or productive for anyone concerned. A calmer "controlled emotional mind" accomplishes much more and finds resolutions that are beneficial for all concerned when you focus first at home. 

Life is short and the truth is, in a hundred years from now no one will know your name or care you lived except your loved ones or your children and their children. And if they do remember you, will it be a good memory?  We have one chance to support and give to our own children we have chosen to to have and ONE chance to make a Sweetheart feel loved and important now. I think of others and love it, I would not hurt anyone's feelings on purpose, so I must think before I speak. This is my daily practice, to respond not react, it takes practice, practice, practice. I'm getting better at this as time goes on.  I have my opinions and will hold fast to it but I do not need to "fight" with anyone over it.

Thankful to have good, good, people in our lives and at the front of ours are our own three kids and their significant others. Above and beyond our expectations we have a few close friends as dear to us as our kids, we are lucky. We have found open minded people with open hearts.

I no longer make long term commitments for those that do not reciprocate the same towards me. I love them from afar. We all deserve the best of whatever is available at all times, even to have kind people in your life but you must claim it. Loving yourself unselfishly first is key, start there, take the best care of you first, the rest will come easily after that.  Unselfish self-love, what is that? 😉 You will find out when you live it. Boundaries, set these to have kind people that give to you equally in your close circle of friends, this is self-love.

Just When You Think An Entertainer Has Got It, A Video...

Last night we went to see a well known and accomplished musical artist I have been following for years. The concert began on such an uplifting positive note, songs of we are one, we all have a right to be here, we are God's people, we embrace diversity, if we remember to let go of the ego and let go of the need to be RIGHT, in this we find peace. Songs were sang, words of healing, I thought, she has the understanding I came to know when I found my authentic self and healed my own abuse. This is my book message...

She reminded us that EVERYONE deserves to be treated with love and respect, and the crowd responded, "Amen."

Then she played a video in the background, many great leaders of peace were shown, as the video continued you began to notice she had a political agenda that did not include the present or past conservative people or past conservatives of history.  Also she showed the childish behavior of someone disrespecting the flag.

Ok, you can play any video you want, it's your concert, but to show some of the truly great leaders that brought about positive change in this country in the video with such bravery and courage alongside of a person that disrespects the American flag is simple not equal in value of contribution. There are also many conservative leaders she did not include in her video so her agenda was clear.

However, the biggest takeaway I saw from this video, is the message in song of "we are one and we welcome diversity" she began the concert with, is not true in action for this entertainer. This is lipservice, it draws you into a "hateful activist statement that is not uniting us all." However, I respect her right to speak her opinion, this is America, we all are free to speak and live in peace here. Peace that is key, respect of a differing opinion, is peace, not hatred of a person. She made a point we need to give up our need to be RIGHT all the time in the beginning of her concert but she clings to her own need to be RIGHT with the hatred displayed in the video by the protester's signs held.

As an American, we welcome debates and legal arguments to keep our country free and in political balance but can we drop the emotions of hate and retribution of the past as fuel for dividing us now and preventing us from moving forward? This has never worked in the present moment. Focus on healing the nation, uniting the nation, find a way to get this country on track with policies that serve the American people and the world?

WE are one, and we all deserve love and respect as a human being on this planet, even the president.

The president has always been a target for hate throughout history from disagreeing voters that are hatemongers. This has been so since the beginning of this country. In time as many truly embrace "we are one" we see even the president, whether we voted for him/her or not is not all bad and is one of God's people worthy of love and respect as well. To forgive someone YOU see as an oppressor is the greatest love of all, Jesus did this on the cross.  Since she's preaching...

Oppression is defined by an individual's prejudices, wants, and hurts.

The president is included in the statement, "We are One" if only the singer saw this, the concert would have had more of a positive impact that lasted for us all.  Namaste.

Could someone turn a light on in here?  Connect the dots? Some of us need consistency in thought.

Here's How You Know What a "True" Friend Looks Like

So many people I meet tell me about their friends and when I hear the bad things these "Friends" say and do to them I think this person does not know the definition of friend. Some adult children say they are best friends with parents that are not their friend.  How do you know the difference?

When you are friends with a "true" friend:

1) You can tell them bad news and they will not tell you why you are so stupid it happened to you.  Or ask you what's wrong with you? Or why do you get into these situations? When will you grow up? Why can't you do better? Or they may launch into how something worse happened to them once and derail the entire conversation.

You can actually tell a "true" friend bad news and they will listen.

2) You can tell them good news and they will help you celebrate instead of telling you something good that happened to them years ago or worse tell you, they know another person who did way better than you.  Go away from that person, this is not your friend. Family members can be like this. When family is like this you don't want to share your good accomplishments, you may be afraid to tell them because you know they may feel bad about themselves when they compare themselves to your success, or find a way to belittle your accomplishment.  This is not a healthy environment, stay away.

You actually cannot wait to tell your "true" friend because that friend will suggest a celebration party even if it is only the two of you and then actually celebrate with a date on the calendar!

Pick true friends that celebrate your discoveries, your growth, your successes, your dreams.  You do not want to be around people that are sitting in misery and can only be with you if they can bring you down to their level of "no responsibility" to make their lives better.  Victim personality will settle for a life they claim they did not choose but reality is they choose that life every day they don't make a plan to change it. Don't fall for the lie "they can't change their life," yes they can. But remember it is NOT your responsibility to change it for them!  You can't! You can only change YOUR life and friends. Choose new ones now you know the basic truths of what a true friend is, move away from negative ninnies even if you are related to them.

Get on with your good self and living the good life, even if you have to go it alone for a while. Tie a knot and hold on, never give up! You will find true friends, they are NOT a dime a dozen. To find one you first have to know how to define what a true friend is.

You are deserving of a wonderful group of people to discover new things with, discuss new ideas with and try to make life better for you. In turn you will be a part of them making their life better. If your family, your parent(s) cannot support your efforts to be better and do more, love them as you move on without their approval.

Thankful to have found a handful of these true friends that I love, thankful to have married my BFF.  Thankful to have three wonderful friends in our "adult children" and now with their fantastic mates. Wow, I have more than I ever dreamed I could. Life is good. You can make your life good too. 😉

Every successful person knows this, it is not a secret. Surround yourself with positive supportive friends. Now that you know one part of the success formula, get on with your dream.

The Campfire Turkey

When we moved into our new country house with acreage around and wildlife, the older children would be in school and leave me and the baby to spend our days playing. The little guy liked to play alone with trucks and matchbox cars. He had 300 matchbox cars and yes he played with all of them. We took walks outside every day like I did with all the children when they were growing up.

There were days when I would take his trucks and him out to a dirt pile just north of the house and watch him out the window as I cooked lunch. On one glance out the widow I was horrified to see a huge turkey, as big as three year old Steven, taking a dirt bath in the yard about 15 feet behind him. I had seen turkeys here but never thought about whether or not they would hurt you. I never approached one and now my baby was within 15 feet of him taking turkey time for a long dirt bath.

I was so scared I thought if I run out there it could spook the turkey and cause him to fly at the baby and I did not want the turkey to hurt him, I did not know what that turkey might do, I wanted to protect my little one. A thought to call my husband… I knew my husband was raised on this farm and would know better how to approach this situation. My husband advised me to wait and not go out there or yell, but sit still. He said that turkey will not hurt Steven, and you don’t want to scare Steven or teach him to be afraid by my reaction. So I waited nervously.

The screened window allowed me to listen and wait. I was so far away had the turkey tried to go after him I could not have gotten out there fast enough to stop him. I dare not go around the house or downstairs and take my eyes off then both. His father was right once again as many times before when I turned to him for advice about the kids in areas I had not a "calm" idea.

The turkey was spreading his tail feathers and flapping his wings, I thought for sure if Steven got scared when he heard this he would cry out and I could call to him out the window that “Mommy was coming!” and that would help calm him until I could run out o him.

The turkey bathed in the dust for about 20 minutes, dust was everywhere. Steven did not turn around at all, he never saw the turkey. The turkey completed his dirt bath and walked a few steps towards the baby, watched him a minute or so and calmly walked into the woods. No harm intended or done.

Now three decades later there is a campfire where the turkey bathed that day long ago and that little guy is all grown up. He has gone to school, in the military and traveled the world and some nights when he is home with us he chops wood and sleeps out by the fire all night. Now when I see turkeys meander near him while he sleeps I don’t panic anymore. I know the turkey is curious and our son is a man as comfortable in the woods in nature as I was as a teenager.

When things were unhappy at home for me I use to take blankets, a pillow and a Bible and drive out of town as far as I could, many times crying, and then I would pick a place to stop. Go into a cow pasture or a wooded field, build a fire, read a Bible and sleep there all night. I would stare into the fire and think about my life, where I was going, where I had been, and what to do next, But for that night, I was just being happy to be alive, safe alone in the woods, and at peace for a while. I would ask God to help me find my life, he did not answer but I waited, I had no choice.

In time I did see the next move and then I moved to the next chapter of my existence. Maybe this is why I love real fires whether in a fireplace on a snowy winter day, or outside in the woods, I get lost watching the flames. Thankful for my life now and this wonderful son, Steven. He was an answer to one of my prayers and I did not know it then as a teen but I do now.

Happy Birthday Steven, so glad you are ours.

Love always, Mom & Dad

What App Is Draining Your Battery?

Yesterday I was walking along the Long Island Sound Beach and wanted to track my miles. My husband uses an app for his distance walking and bicycle miles so I called him for the app. He told me I downloaded it and stopped it when the walk was over.

The road home was a back road that lead me beside meandering mountain streams with ripples of water over gray black stones. Rock walls on either side of the road cut my cell service off for a period of time as well as XM radio. The day was blue skies, warm air, but cool enough to breathe in and feel renewed, a peaceful ride home.

When I returned home I did some household tasks and went to bed. When I woke up a few hours later I see my battery was getting low and there was a notice that an app was running in the background. I thumbed through the apps and see the walking app was running even though I stopped the walk, after not being able to stop it I had to go to settings, look up app and completely uninstall it, it was the only way to stop it. 

This reminded me of our mind and what I study about the thoughts and mind.

We have a conscious mind thinking all day long but in our subconscious there is a program that really affects the outcome of what we do every day.  This subconscious was programmed when we were in the theta wave of learning, the first seven years of our life.  If we were taught to fear anything or anyone, it was set up there.  The only two fears we are born with, fear of falling and fear of loud sounds are innate, but babies don't have depth perception that is why they will crawl off a table or jump into your waiting arms in deep water. 

The fear of failure, the fear of embarking upon an idea we have that will start a business of our own, the fear of never enough money, the fear of not being lovable, the fear of not being enough or acceptable, fear of lack in anything, fear of rejection, fear of too late now, these fears were programmed into our subconscious by fearful (but well intention-ed) care takers in an environment of lack when we were innocent babies. 

So this is the app running 24/7 in the background draining our battery, our entire adult life unless we see the problem and fix it.  But how?

This app is running in the back ground of your mind 24/7.  This is where self-sabotage and fear of being able to trust yourself, or make a sound decision is programmed and running all the time. It is an app in the background of your mind in your subconscious that must be found and stopped. Sometimes you can uninstall the program, sometimes you can force a stop, and sometimes like me, you have to dump the entire program and start over from ground zero. Before you can do any of this you have to identify the app because it is draining your battery for living life to the fullest with acceptance and approval.

My book is to help people identify the app in their brains that is draining the battery so you can reboot, dump, and become the programmer of your own life.  When you have a dream you can accomplish it with less stress and struggle. Only you can identify the app and only you can take the appropriate actions to uninstall it and put in good apps to ensure your success.

Thankful to see this, find the new apps that help me most to program me successful and loved, every day.  This is why I write my book to help others identify and dump a negative app running in the background of their mind so their battery will not burn out before they are settling for a life they did not plan.

Success starts with me deleting programs in my mind that drain my energy for living. Eliminate these stressful thoughts from my subconscious. Does this mean you will have no problems? Heck no, life happens, you can't control anything but your mind.

One helpful way to reprogram your mind for positives is to find a recording or make one with your own voice, which speaks positives of the outcome you want in your life. Play every single night when you are falling asleep.  This will "begin" the success app in your subconscious. Try it for six months and report back with your outcomes to this blog in comments. Changing your thinking is closer than you know and can be easy once you "see the negative app running" and stop it. Change your mind, change your actions for the better.

Ben Franklin had a Good Idea, Let's Try It

Ben Franklin knew himself well. He set everything on paper for his own clarity of the day.  No idle moment because his life was so exciting. What if we knew how really exciting life is and knew we were important to be present and enjoy every moment of it even if the moment is simply to breathe in and breathe out to smell fresh air or pause to really enjoy a flower, a tree, or the site of a wild animal?

This darn mind and the negative thoughts that can prevent us from being present and content.  So important to stop, give your mind space to NOT think, and just be.  Nature does this for us all if we only let it.

Ben Franklin had a basic understanding that he was here not to just live for himself but give of his talents to the world.  Where was this instilled in him? Society? Family values? Or did he discover this in his own determination to help build a land for the free? This United States of America?  when your WHY is big enough you will absolutely find a WAY.

What do you want to do to share you talent with the world and be your own person? Is your WHY big enough? Then get on with it, greater days are coming your way when you do.

You need a plan, a schedule, and then let's see if we can like Ben, incorporate these two questions into our daily schedule:

In the morning set an intention:

What good shall I do today? 

At night write in a journal the answer:

What good did I do today?

We can make the world a better place by this intention and action every day because we are all here to help one another whether we realize it or not.  And every day we decide what we will do to make this come true, whether we realize it or not.  Be careful what you say your mind is listening.  Act now.

Thankful every day for the mind to make decisions and the will to carry it out.  If you need help try BF schedule for starters and tweak it for you.  Try it for a week, month or three months, any length of time helps develop good discipline to get you in control of your life.

"You gotta run your own life, or it will run you to death."