Knowing When YOU Need to Set Boundaries

When sleepwalkers hurt, yell, harm, kill a relationship, hurt children, hurt animals, hurt others, constantly controlling where you go, who you are with, divide you from your siblings, children, family, friends, and continue to be angry constantly, these people are not in touch with being alive.  When someone is not in touch with the joy of being alive he/she is dead inside. And when someone is dead inside he/she will lash out to feel something other than deadness inside. 

This mind/body will cause drama, war, division, judgments to feel something, to feel anything to feel alive.  He/She will seek to harm others and him/herself these people refuse to wake up. 

I use to be angry but I have never been cruel or divisive. I have never been this "dead" inside. To be physically violent is not in me.  One day I decided I can't live with my own anger anymore, I do not want to be a "victim" anymore and I sought answers. I wanted to awaken. We are all asleep in different degrees until we are not.  The more angry and violent a person is, the more asleep he/she is.  If you are not that dead inside, you must get away.  It is not your job to awaken anyone, in fact you cannot do it, the other must want to awaken and do their own work.

The scariest part for sleepwalkers is to look within, to change our negative thoughts to positive ones, to change our environment if necessary to become more in control of ourself.  We must do the work to heal ourself, no one else can.  It is not easy, but it will work in time, with daily practice. I continue to do the work daily to become more in touch with my good, loving, essence.  I want peace. It starts with me. It takes discipline.

Through it all I have discovered that when I am awake, I see the essence in my Sweetheart clearer.  As I see his essence clearer, we connect more on an emotional level, we have much more harmony between us.

One author, describes a successful marriage as one that is not a friendship but a mate on the same spiritual path you are. My experience is that I alone need to find my own path to inner peace, live accordingly, alive, present, and my significant other will be the best because I see him/her that way. If the other is not longing to be awake, I will not be their teacher. I will not sacrifice my life for their unhappiness.  They must find their own teacher when they decide to wake up.

You and I can set boundaries if the other person is not awake and is unkind to us. I absolutely do not let another abuse me, my children or animals.  

Love is not a feel good emotion.  Love is a recognition of the loving essence in you and her/him.  If you are around an angry, violent, self-destructive, or controlling partner, this is not love. Get out.  You deserve to be loved and respected but it starts with loving and respecting yourself first. Without this you will never make a move.  

True Love is Beyond Emotion ~ ET

What is it to be awake according to spiritual teachers?  The thought of spiritually awakening sounds so woo-woo.  I am not a fan of believing in chakras, Feng shui, tarot cards, mediums communicating with the other side, crystal balls, not even tales from the KJV Bible.  Holy Ghost, no.  Whatever God is to me it is not woo-woo, it is reality.  If God is reality then let's deal with it.  

Buddhism attracted me later in life as I sought more knowledge about what God is and how God is in my life.  I discovered long ago that God does not exists in another person any more than me.  So to try to convince me to give my life to Christ never settled in my mind, sounds woo-woo. And why would I give my life to the church when I did not ask the church or Jesus to give his life for me?  I did not need saving.  I am not a sinner.

None of us are.  We are born innocent but through the ages since the beginning of time we have become so fearful of being here, that we have lost touch with the essence of who we are and what we are meant to be.  Living has to be simple.  To want to take your life, (I have been suicidal a few times in this life) as have some of my family members, is to miss the boat of being here.  We are not here to be perfect, we are here to make mistakes, laugh, figure out our next adventure and be happy in the process.  How did I discover this?  I kept seeking answers to every negative thing that happened in my life.  Blaming others never helps to heal anything and expecting someone to care who will not is a waste of time.

So it does not take long for anyone to discover that the answers to life come from within. No amount of praying, achieving another diploma, money, status, recognition of any kind, makes you want to live. Look around, look at Robin Williams.  Look closer to your home, who in your family is stuck in bitterness and anger?  Who in your family is an addict? This includes addiction to food, addiction to a self-image of beauty, and that insidious negative thinking? Negative thoughts are the sneakiest because there are no outward appearances of this unless you speak your negative venom to others and treat them poorly.  

My personal study of watching relatives spew angry accusations and negative judgments at family members have been disheartening to witness.  One would expect family to be happy when you achieve anything but this is not the case in some families.  My husband and I being genuinely happy for others and always glad when they receive anything they hoped for, worked for... I could not believe a family member would be jealous or wish harm to his brother. I could not believe an aunt, uncle, or Grandfather would see nothing good in me or my family. I was just a child when these hurtful words were said to me. I never forgot it.  I forgave but I don't forget. My family claimed to be Christian but they said and did cruel things to us. I remember when I did these things too. I began to say to myself and my husband, "These people are sleepwalkers."  It is like they don't have their eyes open to the world and the joy of living, the joy of having family around, they are dead inside.

This is very hard to say to yourself knowing that to KNOW this, I would have to remove myself from that negative environment to heal myself.  It can be scary.  But if you love yourself, you must put your needs first to recover from the damage of hateful words from so called "Loving" relatives.  The truth is these people are not loving.  What is good to know is that you can leave, follow your dreams, be positive to yourself and the others you meet and find your purpose and inner peace.  Yes I mean physically leave if need be. 

When we left our family environment we began to wake up.  My husband left his family mentally long before he met me and I left mine physically long before I met him.

When we met each other we found kindred spirits.  We were rebellious, angry, sensitive, deeply flawed, and passionately drawn to one another, yes we were in love with one another.  So we set the date and said, "I do." 

Years have gone by, many situations we have overcome together through raising a family of our own and leaving the others behind.  It was not easy.  We began to wake up a couple of decades into the marriage. I know, I know, you may say, that's a long time to wait, but I told you I was stubborn right?

Eckhart Tolle teaches in an interview he did with Tami Simon called, The Longing is Already A Part of the Awakening can be heard on YouTube.  

ET ~ Emotion is neediness of an attachment to another.

Love is not an emotion, it is much deeper. Empathy is not an emotion, Loving kindness is not an emotion, these are consciousness of essence of who you are.

When you recognize this same essence, this aliveness, this feeling in another, you love them.  That is why you love a dog, not for its fur, shape, bones, but you recognize the essence of yourself in their eyes.  ~ 

Do You Know Yourself? When You Do, Doubt Disappears

Peace, peace, “Everything happens for you not to you.”  I just finished writing a blog and I do not know how but with a slip on the keys I deleted the entire article.  So I begin again with no stress or sense of loss as I realize to think any other way is wasted energy. It worked now hopefully I can get there quickly another day too. Thank you Eckhart for this teaching.

I was writing about how I do not make decisions quickly concerning big life changes or spending big money.  No matter how sure I am at the “moment” that I need to absolutely do this, I don’t! I go home and think about it. Many times I sleep on it. I believe if it is meant to be, it will be there tomorrow, if not, no big deal. I’ll find something better.

I research everything.  I am not easily influenced by anyone or anything. I’m stubborn like that, and I think stubborn is a good quality.  If I am not convinced I have all the facts to make an informed decision I will not make it.  If I let someone I love and trust help me make a decision, there is much, much talk.  I still may go with my own decision, I always do.  Probably this characteristic is why I like Byron Katie Mitchell’s teachings of “Loving What Is.”  She makes everyone wake up to the fact that you are responsible for what you think and do at all times.  To believe anything else is madness. 

It is your life and in this country, you are free to live on your terms as long as you don’t harm anyone.

One of my core beliefs I developed as an adult is that my life is my own. 

When I was young I did not know this, too many outside sources influenced me, wrongly. I did not know who I was yet. The Bible told me I was a sinner, turns out I am not.  Society told me the rules to being a wife, mother, and woman, turns out I make my own rules about this now. 

So I learned to trust myself.  I read books, studied motivational seminars, listen to the news and decided for myself what I thought. I learned to know my mind and all of us eventually know right from wrong, we have consequences of bad choices and a conscious.  When I know someone is harmful, unsupportive of me, uninterested in my opinions, I know they are not conducive to my well being, I steer clear of being in their presence. There are good people out here, you will find them.  

I also have a core belief that I deserve to be loved and respected because I give that to everyone I meet. I respect myself now.  I would never abide anyone hitting me, neither would I hit anyone else in a relationship of love.  Not even one hit, I would have them arrested no hesitation.  Some women say, “If he hits you once it’s only a matter of time before he’ll do it again.”  I would not wait for the second time. One strike, you are out, life is too short for this.  I would not abide anyone beating a child or animal either.  

There are many men and women in this world that are friendly and loving.  We can find them, they are not hiding.

I have been many places by myself and my mother ask, “Aren’t you afraid?’  I say. “No because I trust me.”   I trust me, I know that in whatever situation I am in, I will land on my feet, I can handle it.  But I will be wise.  You know what feels right, do that.  And if you are not sure do this...

Ask yourself when making any decision, “Do I feel contracted doing that, or expanded doing that?”  Translation, contracted means NO, expanded means YES. That’s your good heart talking to you, trust it. Go with it.  Live by your good core beliefs, it is your life.

I knew an older woman that I helped in her final years because she had no husband or children.  I became her power of attorney and managed her affairs from her home to the nursing home and burial. She referred to herself as a 'Black Protestant,' and she loved life, marriage, and men. She was a good woman who never cussed and she gave money to everyone that asked her for it.  

She told me once, “The only difference between me and you, is I am older and I don’t give a damn what people think of me, I speak my mind.” She knew herself, she knew she was good, she knew she was kind hearted and open to loving everyone.  I loved her and she loved me.

And, “No.” If you are wondering, this is not the article I was writing before, when I write,

I let it flow and whatever I write I go with it.

Seeing is Believing Is Not Always True

Pema Chodron does a great teaching in Pure Meditation  on the mind and how it can trick you into believing impossible things.  The story is of an Indian who went into a coma and awakened in a white man's village.  The mythology of the Indian was that when you die you go through tunnels to get to the other side of death which was water.

When he awoke in the white man's village they took him by train on a long journey through many tunnels to a town on the ocean.  How he got to the village is a mystery and why he was transported by train is unknown but the point of the story is he lived the rest of his life believing he was dead.  He saw the rest of his life as his life on the other side.  This is mind blowing to think he actually thought this.

Your mind can talk you into anything.  This five senses life has great influence on what we think, so uncertain at times, that we can easily be convinced to be afraid of something new.  In time with life experience we begin to see answers more clearly.  Fear is a natural reaction we all experience at times but as we become older we begin to fear less.  We begin to see new situations as an opportunity to use reason and logic to find solutions. We also learn the freedom to change course and try something new if needed.

To live each day seeing every challenge as a situation to be navigated instead of a problem to be solved does eliminate a lot of stress.

 

Let Our Existence Be a Rebellion

Stories of family dynamics fascinate me.  As revealed in my earlier posts I came from a family that had low expectations and little self-esteem.  The result was kids that could not wait to leave home. We kids ran amuck blindly in the world trying to find a way to fit in this chaotic world.  None of us knew anything but Bible verses that did not give clarity to our young minds.  So we sinned, damnation and hell fire were not enough to stop us.  And we paid the price of those decisions.

Now another family dynamic I know of, did not let up on the children until the children did what Mom and Dad accomplished or asked.  Go to the same college, go into the military, practice that violin 4-6 hours a day, become a dentist, a doctor, a lawyer, something with prestige and status that all the world and the family will be proud of, climb a mountain, do something "ordinary people don't do," climb Mt. Everest, (That is a mountain to be proud of) and if you don't...you are not worthy of your culture, heritage, religion, family, expectations.  You are not worth celebrating. 

Wow which would I choose of the two extremes?  Some of us don't get to choose, most don't.  We are brainwashed in every environment we are raised in and we learn self-image early, good or bad, pressured or unsupervised, we learn. We can't choose, it is what it is to a child.

What this thinking does not teach you is that when you value only the degrees and accomplishments of yourself and others, you judge others as well.  The people I admire are people who have accomplished many things stage, any degree, certification, homemaker, policeman, gas station attendant, cashiers, retail, artist, nurses, receptionist, hostess, maintenance engineer, teacher, business owners, etc. and found their niche/happiness and in the process... 

That all persons as equally important in their duties, we are one.

People, all people, I have loved them since I was born. I truly see everyone as a good acquaintance and welcome their influence on me until their actions prove otherwise.  Then I set boundaries.  I don't judge them as unnecessary, I judge that we have nothing to offer one another, if common ground of respect of differences and an eagerness to learn from one another is not there, I am wasting my time and theirs. Angry, yelling, threatening people seeing no good in others whatsoever are not productive and interest me the least. I'm so tired of being angry, I want peace. It starts with me.

Time cannot be replaced, who I spend my time with can.  It takes a long internal examination of both of us for me to become friends with someone.  Friends are sacred to me.

I love and respect children. They have no preconceived ideas of anger or bitterness, no baggage yet, so eager to learn science and how things work, so easily entertained with play dough and paints. Kids get so amazed at a high light marker, (Me too).  Their simplicity of wonder needs to be preserved for their lifetime, to unplug and play as an adult is such a wonderful thing.  It can make you happy, it can give you a mini-vacation in your hectic day.  I still spin around in an office chair when no one is looking.  😁  

Pressure to perform, pressure from family to perform, pressure to carry on traditions/rituals you don't agree with or enjoy, pressure to be responsible is "no freedom" or "fun." 

To perform because you choose to perform, to be responsible because you love others and you choose to take care because you enjoy having a significant other and friends that support your endeavors and fun activities together...Priceless!  You choose, pressure gone, this is nice!

If your goal is to be happy and in a healthy relationship it is available to us all. You don't need to analyze everything to death to prove you are wrong or right, you need to relax.  When you truly love someone, see things from their point of view.  Sleep on it.  Take up the discussion with renewed thinking after a meal, a good night's rest, smoke a peace pipe, go for a walk, unplug, see your life in the bigger picture, see the other person's life in a bigger picture, choose to agree to disagree. You don't need lofty accomplishments or another seminar, (Maybe YOU do), you need a heart and confidence that to be you is enough and to be the other person is enough for him/her too.  YouTube seminars and videos are free, books are free, and we can take advantage of these for free. You don’t need money to become educated, peace loving or free in your mind, you need only a desire to achieve the peace you seek.

An angry relative called me, "A simpleton" once because I did not feed into his rage.  What he was not aware of is this; I see his rage, and raise him two kindnesses, to unplug from angry situations the world of war and constant argument is my way.  “Defense is the first act of war” ~ Byron Katie.  I want peace. To have peace does not mean you let someone walk all over you. But that is another blog another day...

Therapist On Speed Dial?

Following a few bloggers I get a kick out of the ones that face a crisis and head for the phone to call a therapist, they just happen to have one on speed dial.  Some of these bloggers are quick to tell you they have an Ivy League education or this accomplishment, author, doctor, lawyer, scientist, teacher, etc., yet when a personal situation presents they can't get passed it unless they call a therapist on speed dial.  

The idea of sitting with it, listening to the other person and practicing patience is out! They want an answer now and not from the other person!

The rest of us, those that don't have a therapist on speed dial or are used to figuring things out for ourselves have to practice patience.  Listen to our friend, spouse, our children, and find ways to make peace with them.  The rest of us search to access new information through observation, friends, study and apply what we learn on our own through life experiences.  (YouTube has many, many, free seminars and books online to listen to for free and my favorite www.thework.com by Byron Katie, did I mention this was free?)

Learning to meditate daily to calm the mind, learning to respond and not react, came to me through listening to Pema Chodren, Thich Nhat Hanh, Deepak Chopra, Dali Lama, etc.  But I had to do the practice daily until I learned to be patient.  I found I had so much anger to placate, it took some time.

Eckhart Tolle A New World is an interesting study to check out "collective consciousness." It took me some time to become part of the waking world, a process I continue daily.  I understand now when Buddha taught it is harder for a wealthy person to awaken than one that has no wealth.  If you have worked so hard to become a title, to achieve a position, to have more than most, you do not easily want to give up an identity you have slaved years to obtain.  Yet it is in the giving up, you find yourself peaceful...Eckhart's teaching not mine.

And then there is good old "sticktoitness" that makes me look within to see things from the other person's point of view.  Probably the biggest help I received from studying Buddhism is to accept that "in every situation I find myself, what part did I play in it?"  Taking responsibility for every aspect of my life, the good and the bad really helped me to see my big ego that likes to be right daily.

Anyway, for the rest of us, I'm saying, we can achieve the same successful results without speed dial therapists, many of us have to do the work ourselves.  We can figure this life out, the answers are within, wherever we find it, good.  It is for free, all roads lead to the same truth.  We don't need speed dial therapist or another seminar, we need to look within. The mind has wonderful reasoning tools when you use it.

Pajama Party Every Night with my Best Friend, Yes!

The first clue I see in anything I read or hear as being dangerous to completely believe is this phrase, "This is the only way” or "This is the best..."  I have come to see that for anyone to claim this is to judge that any other way is not viable or good.  This cannot be true.  I'll tell you why.

The KJV of the Bible teaches homosexuality is wrong. Many Christians believe that this Bible is "the only truth."  Christians have brainwashed themselves to believe "the only way to God is through confessing JC as your lord and savior."

But... I had a baby.  I was so in love with this little fellow that I knew nothing in heaven or earth would ever separate me from the love I have for him.  As I held this precious little human in my arms, I began to create scenarios of life to see if I could see any scenario that I would not love him, disown him, or not try to help him, I could not find one.  If I could love my son if he told me he was gay, how could God not love him too?  I am not greater than God. The KJV is not "the only truth." (Has to be faulty because it was written by humans) 

In books that Harvard Grads, scientists like Einstein, doctors like Dr. Dyer write, or Gandhi, Sister Teresa, the Pope, everyone gets caught up in the degrees, the universities, the position of power, worldly accomplishments, we tend to believe everything they write or say, but this is not necessary to find your own path of peace.  They do not have "the only way." We are as great as each of these people with or without the titles and accomplishments or books they write.

Sometimes when I hear another story of all the great sacrifice and travel to another spiritual teacher to find their peace, it exhausts me. Some of these intellectuals travel for years, spend lots of money, work hard to get another degree, spend hours in silence, go without food, to find their peace when it is as close as a thought. Intellectuals are wonderful to have conversations with, I learn so much from them, however, except for memorizing history from other books they study, they regurgitate their version of what has already been written or found as truth. "Nothing new under the sun."

Some have such a complicated road back from addictions and violence that we all "need not" follow their path.  Their path is not "the only way."  Some of their path is so complicated and unnatural, that they lose sight of just being present in the moment in a feeling of acceptance.  Truth is simple.  To seek the truth is simple when you have patience to seek it, and decide not to be self-destructive with addictions in the pursuit of it.

Separation of our self, believing we are a separate being such as "Body and Soul" is another way of dividing us one from another.  To see yourself as a whole, not separate, but to realize we do things that are harmful to our self and others would naturally lead us to examining our thoughts.  Thoughts lead to actions, actions lead to outcomes.  The outcomes tell us if we are on the right road or need to get new information to travel another road. If we keep trying until we achieve the success we seek, we will learn how to get there. Many roads to the top of the mountain, at the top is the same truth.

The book I just finished The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav, has its own definition of friendship and teaches marriage is not a friendship. It should be a commitment to a "spiritual partnership" or it will not last. A friendship says he, "Is to make you feel good, not honest feedback."  That is why he believes most marriages fail.  

Ok I hear you Gary, but I have often said, "I do not have a lot of friends because friends are sacred to me.  A friend is someone who will be with you through good times and bad.  A friend is someone who will always be there no matter what, help you get on the right track when you are off it, never give up on you.  A friend celebrates your successes and holds your hand when you fail, a friend loves to spend time with you every chance they get. A friend to me is a rare thing. If you have one in this life you are lucky, to find two is a miracle” ~LMS

Acquaintances are people you hang out with at a party, dance with for fun at a lounge/bar, go out to eat with you for jokes and meaningless conversations that entertain but go nowhere.  Acquaintances travel on tour boats together, go to concerts with you, play golf with you, go to sporting events, drink beer with you on Superbowl Sunday, acquaintances can be fun short term but a FRIEND is something special to me.  I do not have many friends but I have many acquaintances. Good folks these acquaintances, needed for good times but unreliable in bad times.  Acquaintances can suck the life out of you if you do not set boundaries.  These people are affectionately known as "Psychic Vampires."  Beware their bite! You may be unhappy if you marry one.

I have learned that I have been a "friend" to acquaintances and those people did not last long in my life.  I thought we have been through good times and bad times, I helped every way I can only to find when they no longer needed my help, and they never contacted me again. This made me sad.  After years of experiencing helping others, I see I need to set boundaries with acquaintances.  But to do this I have to define what an acquaintance looks like.  There are people unlike me who will use anyone to get what they want.  These are so afraid they cannot help themselves that they leaned on me and I gave too much at times.

I am not saying I would not help an acquaintance I am saying I would not put my emotional expectations on such a person for that person cannot or will not reciprocate the same to me.

Back to this book...To disagree with this Harvard grad, oh my! I married my best friend.  I did not marry him to complete me, I knew no one can do that long before that Jerry McGuire movie was made.  That line in the movie made me and others gag when we heard it. Hollywood movies do not define the public's morals even though Hollywood may think so.  

Yes there are many of us that think for ourselves, do not need to go to another spiritual retreat to hear the truth.  We do not need to discuss in great detail how to communicate to the one we love and define our relationship with a therapist.  Thank God, if life were that complicated to all of us we all could not find the truth. 

So to books written by these complicated intellectuals I say, thank goodness you found your release from your destructive behaviors, and may your book help others such as you, but for me, I do not need explanations of reincarnation or karma to live a good life. I do not need to see animals going extinct as a way of telling humans to care for the environment. I see I want to take care of the planet and be a peaceful person that cares and helps when I can because I have a good conscious and want to. So do many of us.

Some people cannot find their way without a therapist on speed dial, a specific road map, another seminar, another religious guru, another spiritual experience, another therapist session, another book to define every detail of their relationship and what a good one looks like and a bad one looks like. So afraid of just living taking the good, the bad, the ugly, and finding the silver lining of learning in every situation, being patient.  

My way is not "the only way," my way is to believe you will find your way to peace in your time in your way. I found mine through reading many books and deciding for myself what truth leads me to my inner peace. One theme throughout the discovery of truth for everyone seems to be a situation that we discover is bad, and we are completely out of control of it.  It's called "surrender." I surrendered without outward addictions, my addiction was automatic negative thinking. I'm still working on it... Namaste.