Inner Peace is not Found In Outward Gifts to Others

When I was young I did not know I suffered from undiagnosed depression and ADHD. What I did know is in the hot heat of the south in schools with no air conditioning except an occasional open window, I did not FEEL like doing much of anything. I was lethargic, unmotivated with no reason to do anything outside of what I had to do. (Depression and ADHD added to this low motivation to move)

When I ran into problems with life I had to find answers in an outside source, my mother had no answers outside the Bible, and there is a lot unanswered questions there because of private interpretation. Dad was rarely around if ever.  Mom was practically a single mom raising us.

I knew I felt empty, I needed help and was excited to find a shelf of books at the public library labelled "Self-Help." Who knew? I began to read self-help books at the public library.  I wanted to change into a happier person.  I read and I read and I read some more, I still read.

When the goal is big enough, you will get up and take care of the daily disciplines to get there.

I think now, what became my goal, what did I practice through discipline night and day to accomplish at a young age? After seeing the need to change to be a more positive person, the goal became to "get away from home and stay away." If I was to find ME, I had to get away from old negative influences no matter how well meaning they seemed. I had to begin to UNLEARN harmful habits, harmful thoughts, harmful actions, harmful words. I had to get away, I had to clear the slate of my mind and start anew.

I had to support myself. No trust fund waiting for me. Family tried to talk me out of going, unsafe for a woman out in the world alone. Agree, very unsafe especially when you have no knowledge of how the "real world" works.  I would learn the hard way.  I would learn.

Several things I considered did not pan out but I came across one that looked promising so I took the leap. It turned out not to be the best choice but I made a move. I would do whatever it took to keep moving until I landed on my feet.  The goal was to find ME.  In time I would discover to find me is to find INNER PEACE.  Without this I would never find fulfillment in anything outside of me. No amount of giving, donating, nothing would give me peace or ever FEEL like it was enough. There is a difference between accomplishing a lot and being peaceful inside while doing it. Let go of the longing that you are not doing enough.  Inner Peace. This is a study to find happiness.