I've Been Talking Myself Off a Ledge for Years

Listening to an interview of a famous person when asked about her abusive father, she responded,"Yes we did not speak for years but when I was an adult I called him to visit me and when he came, I told him I knew he was drunk at the times of the abuse and I forgave him. He teared up and we have been close friends ever since."

In the comment section, one voice wrote, "There is never any excuse for abuse."

This got me thinking.  True there is no excuse for abuse but if the ones that suffer the abuse do not find a way to move past it, we become victims of the abuse, for life every time we hit the instant replay button in our head.  I began thinking about my life and I realize if you are raised in a home that has no answers for everything, you will learn in the school of hard knocks or life's lessons will be repeated until learned.

If like this famous person you have a talent that you love, and you are fortunate enough to find people to help you get started in this business and the business supports you financially outside of the family, you have something to rely on at a young age, and can move on with your life.

If you don't, you are wandering through life trying to find your niche. When I was a child and needed answers, there were none to be had outside of a church that could preach verses with harsh judgments of anyone that veered off the path, but no one knew practical everyday application of actions to take in real situations. I had no grandparents to advise me, no aunts or uncles to listen to me or guide me, visits from relatives were rare and brief, directed to my mother, never me or my brother. We had no wise elder to go to for anything we had no emotional support. I have discovered most people don't today, "if it ain't in the church, you are outta luck," or are you?

As I got older, I began to think of reasons "to want to live." I did not want the life of anyone I witnessed growing up but I had a belief that I could make it on my own. If you get involved with the world around you, the wrong path is everywhere, but if you were taught nothing about enjoying life or being happy, no real path is clear.  You have no reason to exist, you wander aimlessly down this path. This aimless path is dangerous and I have walked it plenty of times.  When I was in eminent danger I turned back to my innocence learning the hard way, this is not the path to go down.

Eric Clapton has a song that I know well, I lived it, "Lonely Stranger."

I could not afford to do drugs, literally and every other way, I knew this was not right for me. I could not be an alcoholic, I have low tolerance of aspirins, I had to take care of me, there was no one coming to help me.  So even thought I knew I did not know answers, I knew I wanted inner peace, if I was to know it, I had to find it on my own. I searched and found it in books of philosophy, self help, business books, once in a while I would find a person I admire that would take time to speak with me and teach me. I found inner peace was opening my heart and mind to be kind to myself first and in this I could be kind to others. I found it in taking control of my thoughts.

In this I have talked myself off the ledge many, many, many, times in life. I begin to trust me, rely on me, love me.  I believe because of my own lonely childhood, this is why I take time to listen to and love children. Taking time for children, listen to children, laugh with them and let them be free especially in childhood. Their innocence is precious and this innocence is in us all of our life if we turn back to find it. Maybe writing my journey will help someone else talk himself/herself off  a ledge, I don't know, but I write. I know to live is a wonderful thing now. Thankful to know this finally.