I'm not Sure but I think I Stopped Caring When I was a Tween

This world is wonderful however there are so many different opinions everywhere from everyone.  The first favor I ever sought again and again but could not win, was my mother.  No matter how well I did there was no pat on the back. No matter how hard I tried when I did my best, I was told I did not try hard enough, I did not practice enough, I tried and practiced and tried every single day for years.
Finally I gave up.

In dance class there was a talented dancer, I knew it, the teacher knew it, all the other mothers knew it. I was amazed at this natural talent that I shared a little of but just did not have the timing of this student. I admired her for it and was happy to be second to the best in the class.  My mother was not happy I was second in the class.  I did not get the solo performances and Mother wanted only the best for her daughter, she wanted me to be first, I never got the solo.

In school I did well for the elementary years as we all usually got "S" Satisfactory every subject for every elementary year, but middle school was challenging and with no one at home to do homework with me every night I began to score below average in grades.  No one knew I had ADHD, it was not diagnosed back then and so teachers told my mother I did not try hard enough.  Mom was disappointed in me again.  I could not win no matter how hard this 8 year old tried and there was no help to improve or try to help me at home.  By high school I was struggling to get by with "Cs", average was not good enough for mother and why did I have to love art?  My mother wanted me to play the piano for the church like her sister's child.

Me? I wanted to draw and dance in the yard, just be me, just be happy.  So I begin to stop caring by the time I was 11.  I stopped trying to be the perfect girl my mother wanted.  By this I mean I stopped caring what my mother thought, my father, often absent from all of lives, thought I was perfect. Thank goodness for Dad.

Dad taught me to believe in myself, and never walk away from a bully, but to stand up for myself. He use to say, "If a bully bullies you once and you back down, the bully has you.  The bully will be back again and again. If you call the bully out you will find the bully to be a coward and the bully will back down. You win."

As a young girl I really was not bullied much, sexually harassed by a couple of adult men, my high school teacher and my optometrist, I handled those old men well.  But in my years at high school, I stood up for others that were bullied and made friends with the most unlikely people.  Children in special needs class knew my name, the black students integrated into our school knew me, and some poor girls that were made fun of by those cheerleaders, knew me because I stood up for them when they could not stand up for themselves.  Dad taught me this, to use my voice, not physical violence and my voice was enough.

As an adult I have learned my mother did not feel good about herself and that is why she pushed me. The problem is my mother was better at many things than me and she could not accept that, I can. Her home life must have been hard and maybe that is why she eloped so young.  She will not talk about it and I may never know but I love my mother.

I found I loved everyone even the gossipy cheerleaders even though they did not love me.  My life was not easy growing up in a negative thinking and negative speaking home but I survived.  I moved away as quickly as possible and never looked back.  I had to go out into the world to see that everyone is not negative about my artwork, I have taught art for years to students in  and out of the classroom.  This has brought much joy to children.

When you fall in love with yourself as you are, you can offer so much more goodness to the world. When you know you have a good heart and mean well, you forgive yourself and others much easier. 

It is easier to move on with your life when you do two things:
1) Really make peace with yourself and you will stop caring what negative people think about you.  2) Move away from a totally negative environment in order to find your inner peace and stay in it.

I am so thankful to have a husband who thinks I'm perfect just the way I am and children who love me.  I make mistakes and always will because I'm human but I know me well.  In the end when your heart is pure, things will work out if you keep trying.  I always give 300% in everything I do, and that will have to do, it is all I got.  I love me.