There is a Pain Worse than Death

The first day I met Thelma she was lying in bed on the oncology wing of the hospital.  I introduced myself as her nursing student that would care for her that day.  She immediately grabbed my arm and begged, "Please, please, make the doctors stop cutting me, I want to die!"

I physically had to struggle to get her to let go of me.  She told me,"I have no one. My husband died years ago, I have no children, no relatives, I want to die. Make them stop cutting me! Please!"

In her chart I see she resides at a nursing home but when her cancer begins to grow again, she is brought in for another surgery to cut it out so she can live a bit longer...against her will. As I examined her body for her bath I was heart broken to see the chunks of her body cut out to remove her cancer.  She had so many chunks out of her legs that they looked like a half eaten sandwich. Chunks out of her arms and abdomen made me go into the hall to cry before returning to continue her bath. It was pitiful to see what the docs had done to her body to keep her alive.

The nurses on the floor that regularly took care of her told me. "It is sad. She wants to to be left to die but her doctors won't let her."  When a patient has no one, the doctors become the decision maker for the well being of their patient.  I began to wonder how much of her surgeries were an experiment?

This made me think deeply about what is morally right or wrong for anyone to make such a choice against the patient's will?  I used to think that your life is the one thing you have power over. Whether to live or die should be my choice, but when you get old, that right can be taken from you.

I could not offer any words of encouragement to Thelma, so all I could say,"Sorry this is happening to you."

Hospice was formed to allow a patient to die with dignity on their own terms.  I believe this is humane. (To be considered for Hospice you must be in the last 6 months of life if the disease or illness runs its normal course.) I did refer her to Hospice to see if it were possible for Hospice to intervene on her behalf. I was not assigned there again so I do not know what the outcome was.

Doctors become doctors because they want to save human life.  They spend years even decades educating themselves to save human lives.  Thankful for them for sure.  My experience in nursing showed me two sides to life.  The nursing staff and the doctors.  The nurses know so well, the needs and desires of the patient.  The doctor comes in reads a chart, asks a few questions, prescribes medicine and moves on to the next chart.  The nurses see inside the mind of the patients. Nurses see you, hear you, know that your voice matters.

It is because of my experience in the hospitals, seeing people without a voice in their own health care, that I see the importance of having a Health Care Proxy, a person to carry out your wishes.  You can get a form online if you GTS (Google it)

Healthcare Proxy is someone that should be able to carry out your final wishes but I have seen that if one family member, this one person that wants you stay alive, can supersede your wishes to have the plug pulled even though you have it stated in your Proxy document.  

All I can suggest in this case, is finding a relative or someone that really dislikes you to be your Health Care Proxy. This way you can be assured they will gladly follow your wishes and pull the plug for you when it is time.